Looking Back With New Eyes

I've just been re-reading posts from my other Blog,

the one that was a secret, and isn't online any more -

"Sometimes"

Sometimes imaginings felt like real memory,
sometimes, the other way round...
Sometimes I felt certainty, my heart would leap and pound -
Then cynical, twisting paranoia would fall,
terror would reign once more,
and my castle, my home of hope's dreaming
just stones... Empty, standing...

Half a year seems like a fortnight or less,
near a month feels a thousand years -
what magic, over my memory,
to stand again outside of time?
One night, so perfect,
so perfectly decieved by myself -
You'll never remember what only I knew,
and I'll never remember your memories
for you.

'Should have known better',
we've both cried,
Indeed, we should, for we do...
All I know is, our faults
are near equal...
Darkly private Musings
still arouse the fire in me -
an Idiot, or an Artist,
to dream of what cannot be...?

"Dancing with Shadows"

In the Silence of the Perfect Dream
Roared Music, Cried Salvation and Patience,

Heartache Died - No Pain or Hurt or Sorrow,

in the perfect dream, where all good judgement
divided and divided and broke and tore and sundered

the paths builded from good intentions
led my feet so true
through gateways unimaginable,

swam down to depths unfathomable -
aching inside, burning for the next breath...

Crash, waves, crash above me, I heed you not,
in the still warm darkness of my dream -
consuming all, imaginary, addiction in my mind alone

my heart? Withering?

Peering through my underworld,
no explanations are forthcoming -
no demon can tell you why you made the call.

Wanting and wanting and wanting and needing,
fearing and dreaming on, knowing death is coming,
by your own invitation, the slow slip into for-ever-hood,

fed by false faeries, kept by gossamer chains
'round breast and brow...

Such horror at one's own deeds,
the bitterest awareness of the devil-side of one's nature -
Can't people see I am not this? Can't I see I am not this?

Scream again, immortal soul,
at these things we've come to have done...

I became so truly monst'rous,
and wished an angel to step down to smite me...

I craved the company of a fellowship in sin,
I craved everything...

Peace would be in not wanting,
freedom in not-to-need.

I thought I danced
with shadows.

MF-W 12/Jan/2011